Monkeys and Ladders
How many monkeys does it take to put up a ladder? I’m sure this is a question that has haunted you throughout the ages. It probably keeps you awake at night. Even if it hasn’t, even if the question has never occurred to you before, don’t fear! I have the answer.
Four. It takes four monkeys to put up a ladder.
Now, before I tell you how I know that, I need to give you a little background information. First, the scene depicted below takes place at Mr. Fixer’s shop. Second, the roof of the shop is between 20 and 25 feet off the ground. Third, the characters involved are my dear, darling husband’s co-workers. As such, I have chosen nicknames for them; because I really, really don’t want to get sued!
The characters:
“Odie” is the bottom rung of this not-so-very-corporate ladder. He is earnest, enthusiastic, engaging and fun. He is also easily distracted. He’ll do anything you ask him to, but you might have to remind him a time or two. For that matter, you might have to prod him or even poke him with a stick. Personally, I’ve found that the best form of motivation for Odie is a combination of praise and cookies.
“Heuy” and “Dewey” are the next level in the shop hierarchy. They’re technically called “tire busters”, I think, but primarily they do such things as oil changes, brake inspections, alignments and so on. In olden times, Heuy and Dewey would be considered apprentice technicians.
“New Guy” is exactly that. He’s the most recent hire and the journeyman technician. Since he’s brand-spankin-new to the shop, I haven’t known him long enough to come up with a decent nickname. I’ll be working on it though.
“Mr. Fixer” is the lead tech; master technician. You already know a whole bunch about him, and I think I shouldn’t go on too much because I am most definitely biased in his favor!
The “Machness Monster” is the service guy. He’s kind of the jack of all trades. He’s a parts guy, estimate guy, inspection guy, salesman and (mostly) babysitter. He’s the one that makes sure the boss and shop guys understand each other. (and don’t kill each other)
“Almost Stumpy” is the front counter guy. He handles sales, manages customers and customer relations and does administrative stuff.
“Jedi” is the boss. He does boss stuff.
So, ladders and monkeys…
Seems there was a need to get up onto the roof of the shop. This was a daunting task because it’s very high off the ground. One can’t just jump up there. It takes a ladder. A big ladder.
Odie, Heuy and Dewey are smart, forward-thinking people. While in the shop, the three of them unfold the extension ladder to its fullest length. They make sure each hinge is appropriately locked as there’s little that could be worse than getting half-way up a ladder only to find it buckling beneath you!
Once the ladder is locked into position, Odie, Heuy and Dewey walk this monstrosity out of the shop and begin the arduous task of setting it upright against the building. Simple, right? Not so much.
The long ladder, now semi-upright, is top heavy. This means that the ladder is beginning to tilt to one side. You can’t really just “catch” it or anything, so the Three Amigos are trying to nurse the ladder back to center without actually bracing it against the shop wall. Why… because the shop wall was painted not two months ago. Odie, Heuy and Dewey don’t want to be responsible for scratching the paint! (That would mean erecting that ladder again to repair said scratches, of course.)
I think I should mention here that not a one of these young men are over the age of 25. Atop that, they’re all of fairly wiry physique. This means that while the three of them are alternately trying to coax and man-handle this ever-more-ungainly ladder, it is only the intervention of the Machness Monster that gets this odd thing under control. That is, of course, after the Machness Monster stops his nearly-uncontrollable belly laugh and sets down his can of soda.
So, ladder is up against the building, the Machness Monster has gone back to his laughing and the Three Amigos are pausing briefly to catch their collective breath. You’d think it was over. No. The ladder is still about four or so feet short of the roof. That’s a big gap. That’s a bigger gap when you’re trying to get down OFF of the roof.
Anyway, enter the New Guy. Actually, enter the New Guy’s truck. This truck is a character in and of itself. Like the Jeep Eater, New Guy’s truck has been raised, has big-ol-tires and is taller than any normal, self-respecting vehicle has a right to be. Cool, yes, and useful. Extremely useful in this instance.
New Guy backs his truck up to the shop so that the Three Amigos can lift-and-walk-and-totter-and-tilt the ladder into the bed of said truck. Of course, the bed of this truck is a good four or five feet off the ground. And, there are sides to the bed of the truck. And the Three Amigos don’t want to scratch the paint on the sides of the bed of the huge truck.
The ladder finds its way into the bed of the truck and Odie finds himself climbing gingerly up the ladder. He makes the ages-old mistake of looking down, then closes his eyes and again tries getting up the ladder. Once on the roof he pauses, glancing back and down at Heuy, Dewey, New Guy, the Machness Monster and Mr. Fixer and I, all of whom are laughing, and somewhat meekly calls out, “It’s spongy.”
Mr. Fixer says, “Watch out, there’s a soft spot right about there.”
The Machness Monster says, “Hey, are the gutters clear?”
As Odie returns from his primary task – untying a flag – Mr. Fixer can’t hold it back any longer. “Oh, and check the heater vents while you’re up there.”
The Machness Monster rescues Odie, telling him to get down. Half way down the ladder, though, he says that it’s lucky Odie isn’t the type to wear his pants down around his knees or wear his shoes untied. Overhearing that comment, Odie paused to pull up his pants. This set off the laughter in everyone! Again.
With Odie finally off the roof, the Three Amigos decided to shorten the ladder before removing it from the bed of the truck. Good job, boys. You’re learning.
Sigh
Therefore, while it takes four monkeys to put up a ladder, it only takes one to climb it. You can’t buy that kind of entertainment!
Until next time…
D. S. Vic
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Copyright © 2010 D. S. Vic
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