By Craig Boehman

There are no pennies here. This is apparent after my first trip into the local supermarket to try out my colorful Australian currency. I insert bills into the self-checkout machine and receive back a bunch of miscellaneous, clunky coins – and fewer bills than expected. At first I examine the two bank notes: One 10 and one 20. Does the math work differently down here? I put in a damned 50! Does the subtraction work counter-clockwise instead of clockwise? Where’s the rest of it? Under closer scrutiny of the coinage I realize there are several suspect two-dollar coins, “girthy” but only as big around as our nickel; one huge 50-cent piece (larger in circumference than our old-time silver dollars); several unwieldy 20-cent pieces; one small dime, and a five cent piece as small as a button on a corpse’s collar. The orphanage of change breaks down a lot differently here when you use cash! If it’s any consolation, there’s not a single penny to be adopted by your pocket.

And why would any nation still need to cling to the poor, antiquated penny? Australia aborted their last unwanted penny back in 1964. But in the United States the reliance on the penny is comparable to a junky’s demand for ‘more’ to reach that same expectant high, an unlearned lesson in diminished returns.

The US reliance on pennies is ultimately tied to State sales tax, according to a New York Times article in 2006, at which time the cost of making a penny was 1.4 cents. Considering the current trend in rising metal prices and the battered global economy, the cost of the 2009 penny will likely reach a record high, leaving the taxpayer to absorb the exponential costs of penny manufacturing.

I can’t help but think that somebody out there in the private sector must be benefiting. It is after all, the American Way. Somebody’s making a fast buck. Is it the mines that produce the zinc ore for the smelters who supply the mints who supply the Federal Reserve who supply us with all these millions of lovely pennies? Is it the copper people who find themselves only as a ‘coating’ of their former glory after the 1982 switch from copper pennies to a mostly zinc, copper-washed penny? Who are the big players? Who are the mysterious penny lobbyists in Washington, DC? And. . . Is there a penny conspiracy?

Probably not.

But we could refer to the owner of the penny’s portrait for an opinion as to whether or not to discontinue the penny. Abraham Lincoln, back in his days as an Illinois state representative, once gave a speech to the legislature regarding a dispute between shareholders of an Illinois bank. One noteworthy sound bite: “These capitalists generally act harmoniously and in concert, to fleece the people.” And if his ghost learned that at some point in the future it would cost two of his heads just to make one, he might just add: “I can make more generals, but horses cost money.”

Copyright © 2009 Moody Publishing Co., LLC